addicted to the fantastic escape this drug provides me. drug of choice used to be pot then when i had a psychotic breakdown and quit my job i began to steal from drugstores and DXM became my drug of choice.

the euphoria, the feeling of serenity it gives me is undescribable. it gets better the more i take.

but it also gets worse. hospitalizations, both psychiatric and substance abuse hospitals. breaking my moms heart. avoiding independence and responsibility.

i go to 12 step meetings every day and i was able to scrape together 30 days clean before I picked it back up for a few days, then lasted a week, then picked up, then another week, then relapsed two days ago.

starting to go to yoga and trying to eat healthy. need to become grounded in myself. the addiction is not about drugs its about the psychological disorder or "disease" behind it.

recently ive become focused on this girl who i met in rehab. she still uses alcohol but shes clean off the heroin. shes so cute. i dont know its been a while since ive been in a relationship i wish i could just chill and see her at the friend level. she just left her controlling physically abusive boyfriend and thats a lot of drama and stuff. my sponsor says watch out.

i dont know im clean for today and thats a good thing. just taking it a day at a time. im addicted to the self destructive behavior pattern so its up to me to embrace a healthful lifestyle and turn this thing around. im only 21 and i've got a lot of potential to do great things. if i may say so myself. i think its that im scared i wont live up to my expectations so I chose the easy way out by sabotoging myself.

i'd like to get into social work or psychiatry. i have schizoaffective disorder with past psychosis and dissociative thought patterns. loose associations and grandiose delusions and the like. i'd like to learn what makes these conditions tick and help myself and then help others with similar afflictions.

looking forward to getting in on the chat. this seems like a great community and I like the structured setup. look forward to meeting you all.