What a sad and beautiful description. I agree with WePow, though. The fact that you can see and describe it so clearly means you will someday be able to change it, with help. I have my own very elaborate system of defenses that I didn't know were there for many years. But I have learned that the fact that I feel lonely is a very good sign. It means the real me wants out from behind it all. Learning to listen to the loneliness is painful, but I believe it is the way out.