omg, I think I have made a big big big big big mistake letting myself go to the place we've gone in therapy. BIG.

I've already called T and left two SOBBING messages on his voice mail today. i don't even know what I need from him. I need him to drop everything in his life, drive to his office, and sit there with me for an hour, but obviously, that's not going to happen. I just have to get through this.

It's SO painful. I think the only reason I allowed myself to delve into this stuff is because after 2 1/2 years of therapy, I finally felt safe enough and secure enough and attached enough and loved enough to open the door and look at the stuff. I must have known on some level it was going to be really hard and feel really bad, or I would have done it before now...but I didn't know HOW hard or HOW bad it was going to be. I think it might be more than I can bear.

I am just trying to get through a minute at a time. Every minute feels like an ETERNITY. And the worst part is....here I am, BY MYSELF, going through this. ALONE. T is not here to help. I am alone.

ALL of my bad coping skills are calling to me loudly. But I know that that would just be a temporary relief.

I just don't think I can do this. I mean, I REALLY DON'T think I can.

ETA: And my H is going out of town in 20 minutes and won't be back until late Friday night or some time on Saturday. I really will be SO alone. I am so scared.