TY everyone for the hugs they are much needed and wanted. I'm just trying to make it through today. Think that the stress is really starting to affect my physical health. I've not been able to keep any food in me since sometime saturday. I really feel so so bad physically now. I'm still planning on leaving for the conference in the morning, but I'm not going to drive now. I don't think I could physically do the driving at this point. So a co-worker is picking me up at 6am at my home for the 3 hour drive. I'm not to worried about being at the conference because I know my co-workers are there if I get to be to sick. They have cared for me in the past when I've become to sick to care for myself. And I know that my physcial sickness is all due to the stress right now. I'm kind of looking forward to going and being away from everything for a few days. I've been thinking really hard these last few days that I need to do something and I need to talk to T when he gets back from his conference next week. I need to do something because I can't live like this. It's become to much and I need help to deal with how I feel. I have bad things that keep racing in my head that are unsafe. But I plan on keeping my safety plan with T. Even though the thoughts are very overwhelming right now. Think that's why I'm so physically sick. I'm fighting these thoughts and the stress of that is what is making me so sick. Somehow I feel like I've failed. I'm not strong. But I'm just to tried to be strong right now. There's that logic kicking in my head. I'm an emotional basketcase and I can't do this right now. I don't want medication, but I'm going to have to swollow my pride and go back on medication. Which makes me feel that I've failed. I just feel like crying and begging for T to help me. I'm so overwhelmed right now. I hurt so much. I just need to make it through these few days at the conference and call T friday when I get back and before he leaves. Sometimes I wish he will use his power and just take charge and place me somewhere because I don't feel like I can make the best choice for my well being right now. The only reason I haven't gone before now is that I don't want to upset my H. I'm worried about what he'll think of me. I try so hard to be strong and act like nothing bothers me. But in actuality I'm very weak and can't manage my life right now. K, this is what's been running in my head all day and all last night.