Hi eva

My counsellor mentioned that part of my pain is failing to accept that i am in a struggle. Ive been brainwashed by my father to live the life he wanted to lead, to seek perfection. Consequently whatever i have achieved has never been enough.

When i am in a hole, that is too much on the opposite end of perfection for me to handle. Yes, i suppose it is anger associated with the pain directed onto myself but i also feel like i deserve everything that i get when i am cutting myself. In addition to pill popping and starvation its one of the active ways in which i seek to do harm to myself, perhaps i feel pleasure from self destructing? Im sorry it seems like an absurd idea to me and really perverse! How many of you have been called an attention seeker?

Im just glad i have somewhere to talk about this to people that are not trying their bestest to sympathise with me or to pay the bills, but people that are living it. Thats cool. If any of this makes sense please drop me a line.

Thank you for your prompt reply.

Liquid