So I've been totally in love with my friend, J., For well over a year now. A few weeks ago he got a new girlfriend and we've come to a point of confrontation and resolution. It's been really hard to come to terms with the fact that though he loves me he's not in love with me and that he will more than likely not change his mind. I've been keeping my distance from him and have been doing really well because I've been spending all my social time with all the positive people in my life. 4 of which are the 1st couples I've actually seen, in person, who are actually in love. REAL love, not infatuation. It's been wonderful to see it with my own eyes and to be able to finally know what it looks like (my parents divorced when I was a year old and I never really knew married couples before). It's also been great having positive female role models who are in my life and see me as an equal. Anyway, I digress... I've kept my distance from him the past few weeks. We talked tonight for the 1st time since we had our little conversation.

I guess I should have just stopped the conversation when he told me he was coked up (not something he does often... I just know he's arrogant enough without it!). My ego got in the way and I kind of wanted to let him know I haven't been rolling around in turmoil over him, so I mentioned that 2 of my girl friends and I came up with a really awesome idea for a web company and so on. Naturally, being the blowhard on blow that he was (I don't feel bad saying it cause he readily admits it himself and makes no apologies), he had to talk down to me in his snarky and sarcastic way that even though I know it shouldn't, it makes me feel 3'' high. Once I realized that, I decided to end the conversation by saying "I'm getting sleepy and I have things to do tomorrow> Sweet dreams". I'm proud of myself for ending the conversation on a good note despite feeling agitated and defensive. Though he made very good points, I don't appreciate the tone he uses with me when he's in his moods. I'm realizing that though I love him, he's not the healthiest influence. He has a lot of awesome qualities and I know he'd do anything to help me, but he has a lot of issues he needs to face and he takes a lot of his negative energy out on those close to him. Since I've been surrounding myself with really strong, positive, people (women, especially) as of late I've been more sensitive toward negative influences. As much as I love J. and I hope for the best for him, I'd do anything for him as his friend, It hurts, but I don't think I can keep him close anymore. He's been such a huge part of my life and I really miss having the bond we had. It's like the emotional equivalent to me going off to college while he stays in high school. Sad, but for the greater good. I'm grateful for having my experience because I've learned so much about myself and what I want and need in life and a partner. Knowing him and loving him helped me tap into a great deal of creativity. I started painting. I started writing again. I have no regrets and I'm thankful for it. I'm just sad and feeling nostalgic for good things we had.