(((((((((((englishteacher)))))))))

I completely agree with you. I too feel that depression is the safe place more often than not. Have you been diagnoses BPD. Just a thought. Your feelings sounds like mine even down to pulling a thought out of your head and playing with it, analizing it, playing what if senerios. Your posts speak to me so much. I can relate.

I have found through therapy that I stay in the depression state, wallowing, because it is safe and getting better and feeling better about myself is dangerous. In reality, it's the fears that go alone with getting better.

Also it's easier to stay in the depressed wallowing state, or we feel it is eaiser, than using your real feelings; example you may be angry at someone, instead of speaking up, addressing the issues you become depressed and wallow in it. It's safer than addressing the problem.

Don't know if any of this relates to you or not, but you posts did. Take care.