It was difficult for me to give up the idealized T. There was a lot of comfort and comforting there, a high level of trust, the same wanting to 'just be there' as I expressed in session about just wanting to be there in T's presence.
But as I worked on it, I found it was relieving, too. No, she can't be who she is when I conjure her up in a daydream. No, she can't provide what I conjure up in a daydream.
Except, she can.
As I find more and more words for my inner experiences, and as I stop projecting and slow down and see what it is in me that is a need, I find the real relationship to be more fulfilling, more dimensional, more complex, more satisfying.
Relieving because I don't have to rely on the fantasy. I don't have to be alone and in my head to feel comforted, supported, cared about, accepted.
Fulfilling because it happens right there, right then, right in that room in the moment. The same tears may come that are about how good it feels to have this relationship, but I get to share them with T in the moment.

Once in a session I was suddenly aware of the joy of just being there, talking freely and easily, and I interrupted what we were talking about to say that I was feeling this intense joy about therapy. It was wonderful. Especially because "intense feeling" and "joy" don't normally go together in a sentence describing an of my experiences!

It takes time. It takes as much time as it takes. For me getting through the idealizing took me almost 3 years. Curiosity about what it might be like to come out from behind the protectiveness of fantasy helped me. Having solid trust of T in place told me it was okay to go for it. Although I still struggle with other resistances-- I think fantasy/idealizing was one way of doing that--- I at least have one down...

I also used to 'see' her differently in my mind after sessions. I was just telling her recently that I used to swear she was very tall. (She is my height). I have told her of recalling a session where she seemed much younger and several where she was sitting on the opposite side of the room.