you may or may not have noticed the fact that i don't talk about my romantic life at all, or at least i haven't thus far. don't worry, i haven't been holding out on you. the truth is that i haven't thought about boys, men, or the male population (and even my infatuation with the FEMALE population) at all as of recently. i don't know if that's normal or what, but my world is choo-chooing along without a partner. i've thought about sexual gratification and friendships and all the different aspects of having a man or woman in my life, but i haven't been thinking AT ALL about actually having one.

i am pretty sure that i have developed a 6th sense about this sort of thing. it's as though my brain knows that to have a significant other right now would be crazier than literally everything and anything else going on in my life.

no physical desire or need to have someone going along with me through this outweighs the fact that i know that i will only scare whoever i want away. no man or woman would want to be my partner through this sht i am about to devour. the only people i know are going to be by my side are the people that basically have to be: my family. i can't expect anyone outside of that to volunteer to go through the nuthouse with me.

as if having no friends wasn't enough of proof of this, telling the one boy i really love about all my crazies and having him literally bolt in the other direction, but how understandable. i don't blame him one bit. it was fight or flight, and he chose to flyyyyy.

i still have dreams, though. i literally dream about having someone to love and to love me back every single night. i can't see his face, but i can feel him. i know that i am safe in those moments and i know that i don't have to be anyone or anything other than the imperfect and beautiful me. then i wake up and that concrete cake of crap is my world.

this'll probably be the last time i talk about my empty yearning for someone. because lets face it, that isn't going to change anytime soon. in fact, my repulsion of partnership is only going to grow exponentially throughout this whole process. but hey, i am not going to complain. any person attracted the me right now has to be a nutcase. i don't want that at all.

the voices in my head are enough crazy and i do not deserve that. when i am healthy and happy i know i will meet someone just as healthy and happy as i will be, and we will be happy and healthy together forever.

at the end of the day, i want to be a good wife and a good mother. if i can say on my deathbed that i excelled in both those fields, i will die with absolutely no regrets. i know now, however, that who i am today is not who i want to be. who i am right now is not the way i want to be as a mother and a wife. i want to be better, greater, and more stable. that's going to happen and it's going to happen soon.

so all i have to say is this: the love i will have in the future should pale in comparison to the love i will have for myself. i will shine. i will glow. i will smile and mean it, everyday. i will be who i was always meant to be.

i cant wait.