Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES
It takes time. It takes as much time as it takes. For me getting through the idealizing took me almost 3 years. Curiosity about what it might be like to come out from behind the protectiveness of fantasy helped me. Having solid trust of T in place told me it was okay to go for it. Although I still struggle with other resistances-- I think fantasy/idealizing was one way of doing that--- I at least have one down...
I also used to 'see' her differently in my mind after sessions. I was just telling her recently that I used to swear she was very tall. (She is my height). I have told her of recalling a session where she seemed much younger and several where she was sitting on the opposite side of the room.
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Echoes, first off...that is awesome that you have gone through all that and have seen the other side!
Second...the bolded paragraph REALLY interests me. I wonder if it is something I do as well, though I never thought of it this way. When I am out of therapy, I think of these things I would like to tell T, and in my mind it isn't so bad or so scary, but when I get there iN THE ROOM with her, it all goes away. I lose nerve, and something about actually seeing her face to face changes it for me. It usually starts that morning in the shower where I go "This is stupid..there is no reason to talk about that...that isn't important anymore...you don't feel that way now...etc", and by the time I am there, it is gone.
I've tried to get better, by either bringing in an actual journal entry and reading it to her...though I hate doing that, or forcing myself to talk about even just a little bit of something. THe last time I brought in a journal entry to read, it was all about how I am so afraid of how sick she is of me/wants me to quit (this is an ongoing theme...like for two years). She said that she does think that I still want to change, because otherwise she wouldn't work with me any longer. As weird as that may sound, it does make me feel better.
I think that I am sloowwwwllly being able to let go of that worry of her being frustrated at me/sick of me....but it is still there, just not as intense. I actually just wrote her a thank you email last week for letting me be silent when its tough, and that I DO appreciate it, even if I hate it
I think maybe I'm afraid of letting that go, because then all that energy spent on being nervous/worried about what she thinks will have to be directed on ME and what I am feeling!
