Right now, today I have this sadness inside of me but don't know why. I also feel so lost and confused. Almost like I can't sort out anything in my head. my feelings seem so mixed together. All I want to do, or I have the urge to do is sit and cry all day. I just feel like I need too, but I'm not sure what about.

I do go and see T tonight. I thought maybe something was really bothering me with that, but nothing that I can put my finger one. Again the thoughts and feelings are so mixed I can't tell which is which.

I know I miss my parents. well maybe the one part of me. The adult me knows they are the ones that let the abuse happened, did nothing to report it and claim it just happens with siblings. Please don't anyone hate me for saying that. I believe it was my fault but of course T says it isn't.

Any ways, the other part of me, wants their love, comfort with their arms around me, being there every step of the way in my healing process. That will never happen. They don't accept me and I have abandon them, T would say they abandon me first and I just stopped trying to reconcile with them, which is the best way to go for now.

Also, the other day, I saw these to guys. Both of them I know very well. we will call them A and B. A-has helped me on the spiritual side. I see him often in conjuction with my T. T believes this will help me since I am intersted in the spiritual side. B-he has seen me once in a therapy type setting. We were just talking and he does Marriage and Family counseling.

Both of these, I see every week, at least once. This past time, I wanted both of them. Wanted them in a sexual maybe father way. I'm not sure as the lines of wanting a father figure and feeling I need to have sex with men to get that love are so entwined.

So I guess any of this could be related to me feeling said, lost, confused, and to have mixed feelings. I just feel I don't know what I want anymore. Like I can't do anything right so why should I even try therefore I've lost myself. Who am I??? I don't really know.

Why does everyone hate me??? I am just trying to live my life for what is best for me, and everyone hates me??? WHY, WHY, WHY???