First - Big HUG! Maybe a good cry would release some of the tension and confusion you are feeling? Or like you've suggested to me - journaling...maybe you could find what's triggering your current depression and be less confused. I know the confusion and sadness combined make everything seem so hopeless, but you have a pretty nice group of people right here that want to support you and help you heal.

I know how hard it is to let your parents go - even if they are abusive. I'm struggling with the same kind of stuff with my dad. Just remember that you are a good person and it isn't your fault that they were unable or unwilling to protect you and love you the way you DESERVE to be loved and protected. Is there someone else in your life right now that makes you feel safe, loved and protected? Maybe a hug from that person or people would help.

If both the guys you found yourself attracted to are in the mental health field, then it makes a lot of sense that you find them sexually attractive. They are not just men; they also can represent the caretaker that you are seeking. It's sad, but a lot of us equate sex with love. You obviously know better, but it's so much harder to put it all in the right perspective when you are depressed.

Sending you loving support. I hope it goes or went well with the therapist. Don't give up.