About the only time I dissociate or come close to it is in therapy. But because I know the physical and mental feelings that indicate I am headed in that direction, I am always able to stop the process. Sometimes by just stopping that train of thought and pushing it away, other times I have to stand up and move around and focus my eyes on things like book titles.

Lately I have been wondering though, if that is the right thing to do. I am always very controlled emotionally (In two years with my current T I have used exactly one kleenex.) It is starting to seem like making sure I don't dissociate is just another way of avoiding whatever it is that scares me so much.

Yesterday in my group therapy I was asked what I would do if someone actually wanted to take care of me, and trying to think about it brought me as close to splitting as I have ever been in that group. I would really like to know why I am so terrified of being taken care of, as I know that is not a normal reaction. Maybe that information can only be accessed by allowing myself to dissociate and seeing what is 'on the other side'?

The few times I have actually dissociated, the experience is that of co-consciousness. Someone else driving the bus and me in the back seat along for the ride. It definitely feels very out of control, which is why I fight it so hard.

I know I need to ask my T about this, but I am wondering also what others' experiences or thoughts might be...