Ripley, does your T know that you come close to dissociating in therapy? Telling her what you posted here would be the first step, but you know that already.

My opinion is that any time you hold yourself back in therapy it is not helpful even though you have good reasons for doing so. I am saying that because you used 1 kleenex; I used none in 15 years of therapy with different Ts. I always have to be in control, it seems, and am too inhibited to cry. I always thought if I could "let go" in therapy, it would be healing, but that never happened. So, I identify with your not wanting to be out of control. If we could "let go" and still feel in control. At least that's the way I feel about it. Or, if we are sure our Ts will "catch us" no matter what happens. I think it's about trust and feeling safe in therapy, though I thought I felt safe and trusted my T, yet I could never completely "let go".

You trust your T, right? This is the same one who "disappeared" for a while but that's all been settled? Then I think it would be beneficial if you could see what's on the "other side." Since you are terrified of being taken care, are you afraid that your T will have to "take care of you" if you dissociate? Have you discussed your fears about being taking care of with her?

Good luck with this!