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Originally Posted by rainbow8
Ripley, does your T know that you come close to dissociating in therapy?
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yes, although I don't always let her know when it happens.
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My opinion is that any time you hold yourself back in therapy it is not helpful even though you have good reasons for doing so.
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There are many times when I hold back words. and emotions, like sadness. It is reflexive for me to do so, but I look forward to the day when that reflex is a bit slower to kick in. But that is, in my mind anyhow, different than fighting to stay present and in my normal state of consciousness.
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You trust your T, right? This is the same one who "disappeared" for a while but that's all been settled?
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It is only in the last couple of months that I can say I am beginning to trust her, and yes, same one who disappeared and came back. I always had enormous respect and confidence in her, and felt she was the right one to help me, but at the same time I was very afraid of her.
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Then I think it would be beneficial if you could see what's on the "other side."
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I guess I am hoping there is a way to see the other side while remaining 'me' I always feel very ashamed after I dissociate. But I can also relate to the longing to let go Once in a while I get a glimpse of how exhausting it is to always be in control.
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Since you are terrified of being taken care, are you afraid that your T will have to "take care of you" if you dissociate? Have you discussed your fears about being taking care of with her?
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It is more that I am afraid she will be angry with me. And this just became clear yesterday in my group therapy, which is run by different people. But I will bring this up next time I see her. I definitely tend to avoid subjects I know affect me this way, so I figure the place to start might be by talking about them as much as feels safe.??
thanks for your thoughts and good wishes
