Yes, it is like the mask of "I'm not so bad off, nothing that bad really happened" slips away. And there is great shame in that for me. Speaking of or letting my emotional self be visible was generally met with rejection or punishment.
The longer I spend on this thread, the more I don't even think I should be posting some of this stuff. I feel like I will get in trouble, or be accused of making stuff up, or trying to get attention I do not deserve.

My adult self knows differently enough to have got this far, but I may have to take a break now, as my anxiety level is rising I really appreciate your responses and your interest. Even being taken care of this much is setting off alarms all over the place.