Aw jexa! I understand your pain and fear. I do the same thing, try and try to look for ways T is trying to get rid of me because I'm SO frustrating/annoying/boring...blah blah blah. I have spent the last 2+ yrs constantly being worried that I am going to reach this invisible timeline where she will be like "that's it! I'm fed up!" And kick me out, despite her saying to me multiple times that she is not kicking me out.

It has been very hard, because she may say those words, but there is also so much that she doesn't say that makes my mind spin in circles. Like "ok so you may not actually kick me out, but you aren't wanting to help, and in fact just biding your time until I get so sick of myself and quit!" I actually just told her this part a few weeks ago. She said that she does think I want to change and she wouldn't continue to see me if she didn't think so. That made me feel better that I KNOW she will kick me out if she sees I don't want to work, and not for some random reason like I'm the most difficult/frustrating patient ever.

What I JUST figured out last night was that that fear has dissipated a lot since that day. And even more so this past week when I realized I was grateful for the session earlier that day where she didn't seem to mind that I spent most of the session in silence and said she knew how hard it was for me.

But what really scares me is what will happen if I let go of that worry?! All my energy has been focused on being afraid of what she thinks, and if I don't worry about that...I will really have to worry about other stuff. Harder stuff.

Woops, sorry for the ramble.