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Weird session on Monday. I’m not sure but this may have been the first time when as soon as I sat down she immediately said I appeared very nervous. She is very perceptive but I don’t think it took that deep of an insight to see that something was deeply troubling me.
After spending some time talking about some very embarrassing subjects she paused a bit and asked me what “actions” have been going on, clearly something has been triggering things deep within side me. In a very supportive way she suggested that what I was dealing with was sort of like Psychology 101 when I have been working on my issues at a graduate level, she didn’t understand, and again tried to figure out if there was some activities that I had been doing that was triggering all of this stress coupled with a self-loathing at a level not seen in years if ever. Jokingly she said that this is often the point where a patient will tell her that “I have been seeing a dominatrix for six weeks but haven’t brought it up until now”. That was the high point of the session, I had to laugh, she said she didn’t think that was the case but something that is so out of character form me to even cross her mind I guess means she must thing I have more going on in my head that I really do.
I had to confess something a bit silly, but at least in my warped view of the universe it says something good about me. I haven’t always felt this way, but somewhere in my 26 years ever so faithful marriage, I developed this linkage that has really crept down into my core being. I told my therapist that No I hadn’t done anything like that and never could, and even if I somehow found myself divorced while there might be dome therapeutic value to it I really don’t think I could ever engage in casual sex. To me caring (if not love something DAM close to that) is an integral part of sex to me. Not that I have some strict moral code, just know how empty it can be without it (no recent experience with that) and how fulfilling just holding someone in your arms, and waking up next to them can be when you do care about (love) them.
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