|
I keep thinking to myself, just admit it, just admit it and people can help you. They'll welcome you, and love you. Why wont I? Why won't I admit it?
Because admitting it is a dangerous thing, it's dangerous information.
But you can't deny it, can you? Everything else can be washed away as the power of suggestion, as an elaborate fabrication just to fit in. Does it get lonely? Being one of your few friends without being emotionally scarred? This is irritating. Irritating that it can't be pushed away, that it can't be written off like that. So ****ing irritating like a rash on your skin that you can't scratch off.
you thought you remembered but you didn't really, who did? Nobody is a reliable resource of information. Mom remembers even less then you, J remembers nothing, dad wasn't even there, and you? Patchy at best. You could ask step-sisters... if they were there, or step brother... but that would require asking, and admitting not knowing.
Can you remember at all? You didn't get it right the first time. When reality is based off of lies or at least partial lies then what do you base new realities off of? Why are they also lies, if everything is lies then what is the truth.
You hide it, because you don't want to be proven wrong. You don't want to risk people telling you it never happened and that your hunches are fake. And then what do you have left? Delusions. And many people who know such dark feelings and can only laugh. Laugh because you are delusional.
Though, they already said I wasn't. One person isn't they. But it still counts. Even when I feel like I'm going a million places at once and apologize for it he didn't think I was going all over the place, and was in fact very clear and concise. He is the only person in the world who knows, and I think he believes me. Why else would he say that he can't help me much more and wants to refer me to someone else? He doesn't hate me. If he thought I was delusional he would tell me. He called me brave.
I still think I can keep ranting but my feelings have run their course, anything else would be repetitive. I have nothing more to say to this and there isn't anything I could possible add to it.
This entire monologue (which you have to deal with since I havn't been in therapy in months) was inspired by when I was watching my favorite (well, one of them at least) TV show Intervention and this meth addict was talking at length about being molested as a child
PS: J is the first letter of my brother's name. in my head I said my brother's name but because I'm paranoid like that I decided not to put the full name... as to why I didn't say "brother"? It would kill the flow.
|