Yep, that's what T said. But, well, I don't always know what the goal is, you know? I guess I'm worried I'll have a feeling like things aren't done but I don't know what should change. And I am afraid that she will say goodbye at THAT point. You know? That once I've reached the goals we talked about, and I don't have a new goal to give her, that she will say, "You're done!" and if I still feel like I'm not, she will think I'm just scared to not have her support anymore.

Maybe she'll be right. Losing that support IS so difficult. It's true. So maybe that fear (being scared to leave once I have achieved my goals) is actually the thing that's unfinished, the thing I will need to get over before I leave. I hope I don't still have this fear and then I have to leave anyway!! I am so scared of leaving T that I am having crazy thoughts about SI or self-sabotage just to show her that I need her! This is not a good place to go in my thoughts. This is NOT healthy! She's not even really trying to kick me out yet! Ugh!

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Originally Posted by googley I don't think your T will "kick" you out of T. She will let you work until you are ready to go. And then it wont be as scary because you will be ready. ... Your T isn't trying to get rid of you. Though I know that it can be really hard to believe. Especially if we feel like we deserve to be gotten rid of. That the yucky part of inside of us should make them want to get rid of us. That if they knew how bad it was, they will be disgusted and reject us.

How do I know I'm ready to leave T then? When I've reached my goals? That's why I don't want goals!

I guess it's that I worry that if I get better I won't be worth her time anymore.. I'm not even sure it's the bad part of me I think she'll reject. She's a T; she sees people's bad parts all the time. It's more like, if I don't have MAJOR issues, I feel like I don't deserve attention at ALL. It's like, I NEED to have at least one major problem to be deserving of anyone's care. Because if I wasn't TRULY needy and in pain, then my needs wouldn't EVER get met. Wow! That is what I am afraid of!

I feel like if I set goals, this fear will actually KEEP me from reaching them, because reaching goals, and not having any more goals, means the end (which means I don't deserve ANYONE'S attention anymore, even though that doesn't make sense). I have been making progress in therapy. A lot of progress. Things are much better! But I KNOW if I had set clear goals I would NOT have made progress because I'm afraid of not having problems. I would have self-sabotaged and ruined it. I just know that's what I would have done.

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Originally Posted by googley I think that this refers back to the topic of goals. She wants you to lead the T in the way to dealing with things that you see as important. But if you wont talk about goals, then she is left to try and guess at what is important to you. Just a guess.

Yes, that's definitely true, and something she said. But so far we've been doing FINE without goals. Maybe I try to clarify the direction I want us to take without saying, "This is the endpoint when I will be all better." Oh but even that feels like foreshadowing for getting kicked out! I wish this wasn't such an issue! Why can't we just do what we've BEEN doing, and go on like this forever? I know why.. But I don't like it.

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Originally Posted by googley Have you discussed the mental block you have when it comes to talking about this? Sometimes process comments about how hard it is are important. It will let her know why you seem to be "avoiding" (not that you are) these tough issues. She can't know what is going on in your head when you don't talk about it, so she has to guess.

Um, I've somewhat discussed the mental block. I said it's hard to bring these things up, and I talked about the ick feelings I have about it. But I don't really know what the hell the mental block is about with this specific thing. I know what the mental block is with GOALS, but I have other things going on besides this specific issue, so the fear I just talked about (fear of the end of therapy, connected to fear of not deserving attention) doesn't explain the mental block in this case. I've already disclosed the worst of it pretty much (well, no actual memories, but she said we don't have to go into memories and will just focus on the now), so why is it still so hard to even think about, let alone talk about in person? I still don't know completely.

Maybe it has to do with an "under the microscope" and "exposed/dirty" feeling but that doesn't feel like it explains the whole picture. My mind is just refusing to go there, even when I'm not feeling anything at all connected to it. In fact, mostly when I try to think about it I just feel totally BLANK, no emotions, no thoughts, NOTHING. And then other times out of nowhere (not at times I'm trying to think of what to talk about in therapy - it never comes when I actually want it to) thoughts about it will come to me, and I'll feel dirty and wish I hadn't said anything at all.

Thanks googley so much for this. Your questions really helped! And you're right - I think this T cares a lot, much more than others I've had. I'm going to tell my T all of this next session.