>>>> how, when a part of the problem is BIGTIME avoidance, do you allow your mind to ask those questions and go there?

I am Mrs Avoidance herself (that's why I call myself SAWE). Here is one thing that may sound strange but worked for me:
Put a pillow in yr car and drive out to some spot where you know you won't be seen or disturbed [note: a safe spot. Not some isolated country road, but maybe a big church parking lot on a weekday].
Roll up the windows and see if you can picture a person who traumatized you, or if it's not too much, run the tape in your head of something that happened and then talk to the person - tell them how much you hated what was done to you, and how it has affected you, and how much you resent that - scream, yell, punch that pillow - this may sound "crazy" but I have done it a few times, and it helps me. Let the tears come - I couldn't find them any other way - and next time you see T, tell about trying this and see what the response is. If you are asked questions you will see how Ts mind is working to understand what you processed - and you could start there.

Do you think this could help?