I would post this in the Romantic Feelings For My Therapist area, but it seems like more people respond in this general psychotherapy place. So I'm appealing to you here. I'd just like your take on this.

I put my foot in my mouth at my session yesterday (so what else is new), and it's bugging me. I often make what I feel are social errors with my T in my sessions, but because my he's drummed it into me that I can do whatever I want and say anything that occurs to me, and that being in therapy should be transparent to him -- that it should feel like I'm just thinking, as if I were alone in my head -- I don't beat myself up too much about saying dumb things in there. If I did, I'd be beating myself up ALL the time. And T has been pretty accepting of my occasional dumbosity. (My social stupidity is one of the things I'm always trying to change, and it's part of what brought me into therapy in the first place.)

But I said something at the end of my session yesterday that really made me think I'd made a mistake! We went over the hour. I don't enjoy doing that, and I knew it was happening. I could tell, even though I don't check my watch, and can't see the clock unless I turn toward it. So my head is vibrating with, he's letting me go over, he's letting me go over. I hate that feeling. It's like a special privilege I'm getting, but the reward is so random. I never know why my T lets me go over in some sessions but not in others. And the randomness of it disturbs me. I don't know what I've done right.

What makes it worse is that T always makes a point of letting me know. He's all, "Wow, we went over this session!" Or, "Wow, I let us go over!" Why make such a deal out of it? I don't know if he means to, but he's reinforcing that sense of, good girl, you did good today, I'm enjoying you today, keep doing that, you're earning your keep, here's your little biscuit. Yuck!

All of my ancient parental approval issues rise up like a gigantic whale when he does this! I don't WANT to feel like I have to earn my T's approval, but there he is, randomly rewarding me. My parents did that too. They were toxic and unpredictable, rewarding me and punishing me alternately for the same kinds of things. I was afraid, life felt chaotic, and I walked around on eggshells. I never knew whether my parents were going to pet me and praise me, or start taking me apart like a rag doll. (They weren't alcoholics, but they behaved very much like people in the throes of that pathology.)

So I just hate the random schedule of reinforcement, and the mysteriousness of why my T lets me go over sometimes and not others. It deepens his mystery, makes him seem more powerful and unpredictable. And it aligns him with the worst things about my parents. Okay, I'm beating this thing to a pulp. You get it.

So my head is sort of spinning. I'm in a glow from the praise of, "Wow, I let you go over this time!" And I just blurt out: "Oh, that's because you love me! You love all this time we spend together!"

I actually said that.

Gah.

I wish I could forget it, because the look on my T's face was just -- awful. It was like he had this really bad stomach ache. His features just kind of crumpled up and he turned yellow. I'm not exaggerating. It was like I'd told him his dog died or something! I cannot forget his face! The memory of this thing is frickin' killing me here! I'm dying a thousand deaths every time I remember it, which is every couple of seconds today.

I'm wondering how, or even if, I should address this next time. I'm thinking that I won't say anything unless he brings it up. If I ever try to apologize for making him uncomfortable, he gets slightly pugnacious. He'll say, "You think I'm that fragile, you can knock me over with a feather? Like I did nothing but think about what you said to me a week ago?" So I don't want to expose myself to that stuff. I really don't need it. But I feel like I should try to say that I was aware that he was uncomfortable, and that I'm sorry.

I'm thinking I should scold him just a little bit. Why on earth did he react that way? Do I really have to explain that the things I say at the start and end of our sessions are just mindless pleasantries, stupid lame jokes I'm making, nothing significant? It kind of makes me angry, now that I think of it. Maybe my real issue here is that I'm angry that he made ME uncomfortable. He's the one who tells me I can say anything. And it was like he was going to expire on the spot. He lied to me! I'm pissed off!

This is way too long. I would love to have your thoughts on this. I'm really miserable and humiliated right now Just need a hug!