I don't know if this has triggers, but better safe than sorry.

I'm so tired and frustrated with this whole situation. I don't remember any more why ... why should I care about anything? why do I continue to function? why do I think it's important to face the world and pretend to be a functional adult?

I just want to cry, but now I can't even do that. I can't eat - I get hungry but then the food makes me ill. I don't sleep well. I don't want to function anymore. I don't want to be pushed by people who love me to get better. I don't want to get better...just leave me alone with my misery. What's the point of getting better? What goes up, must come down...

Sometimes I want to punish the ones that hurt me. Sometimes I want to punish the ones who love me. Sometimes I want to punish everyone, but especially myself. Sometimes I wonder if maybe they are right and I'm just weak...depression is just an excuse because I'm not good enough.

I'm not a good enough mom - I see it all the time. My kids need a strong mother who takes care of them, not a mom that they occasionally have to take care of because she's completely nuts. Sometimes I put my needs ahead of theirs...the same stuff my parents did to me. So who is to blame? and why do I need to blame someone? Isn't enough to blame myself?

I'm driving my husband nuts. He's already stressed by our finances and I'm sure not helping by insisting that I want medication AND therapy. Is it a need or a desire? I don't know any more. I don't care anymore. It all seems pretty pointless.

I don't really trust him any more. I know he thinks he's trying to help, but I'm beginning to think he doesn't even really know me, which is my fault for hiding my crazy from him (as much as possible) for the last 20 years. AFter all, if he had known what was in my insane brain, maybe he would have been smart enough to get far, far away from me a long time ago. How could he possible know me when I don't tell him stuff?

I really hate myself right now. Sometimes I actually wish someone would have me committed. I've never been hospitalized for mental health reasons and I've heard some horror stories, but right now...the hospital sounds like a haven...no responsibility to anyone but myself...the freedom to be as crazy as I want to be because right now, I crave it. I wonder how far down it is possible to go. I wonder what would happen if I just left and became a homeless person wandering the streets.

I can't even make coherent thoughts - bounce, bounce, bounce. Why am I compelled to act normal (whatever the heck normal is)? I don't really feel like keeping my job is that important any more. AFter all, they don't really value me and I'm easily replaced. I don't make that much money and it's so inconsistent that ...well, it just causes problems.

Life is just one big problem after another...so what's the fricking point?