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lynn09 · 03:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paddym22

Dearest (((((Lynn09))))

Your "Credentials" more than fit the mark and I think you understand very clearly the challenges involved in an immune-system disorder. It does seem unfair though that you are challenged like this through no fault of your own whereas my disorder is self imposed and quite cavalier as a good friend correctly pointed out to me.

Hello, again, paddy! I'm not sure I fully agree with your friend, paddy. I understand that you knew the risks associated with your behavior, but you did not choose to get HIV unless you knowingly exposed yourself to it with the intent of contracting the virus. I don't look at my challenge as fair or unfair - it simply is what it is. I don't believe any of us are important enough for the universe to single us out for good or ill. Further, when you consider how susceptible we humans are to any number of illnesses and injuries, the "Why me?" question becomes more realistically, "Why not me?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by paddym22

My mental health status is Bi Polar rapid cycling, Borderline personality disorder, PTSD etc. etc. To be honest with you at this stage I am passed feeling sorry for myself, that is defeatist. I dont look for sympathy from people I just as you say look for empathy and understanding.

I agree - self-pity and sympathy from others is of little value or benefit. However, it is imperative that we be just as understanding, empathetic, and compassionate towards ourselves as we try to be towards others and hope that others will be towards us. Besides, we are not our infirmities - they do not define our identities, but how we deal with them and treat others despite them most certainly does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by paddym22

My greatest challenge is medicaton compliance at the moment, when I fluctuate in mood so much my medication schedule goes out the window and I forget or I dont remember whether or when I have taken my meds. I find when I am depressed to be the worst stage as I just dont care somedays and then I panic when I realise what I have done. My CD4 and Viral Load are like yoyo's and God help my medical team they really have their challenge set out for them.

Recently I am getting these 48 hour flu's when my temperature soars to 104 and I am exhausted and nauseated. If I am in a normal of hypomanic mood I can manage them and get on with it, but godforbid I am depressed then I really just feel what is the point. Other things are of course the toxicity of the meds and keeping them down, just there is little I can do about that, they are my life line.

I hear you - having to interrupt whatever I'm doing to take meds, or to limit my exposure to light and get my body temperature down is sometimes so annoying - it can make me feel like I am a slave to my infirmities and that they dictate my time and activities. But I do my best to diminish the stress-inducing impact of that attitude by telling myself that these interruptions or intrusions are no different than taking time to eat or use the facilities - again, it is what it is. So I have an alarm-clock widget on my desktop to remind me when it's time to take my meds, and I have gotten used to breaking up tasks to limit my exposure to light and heat. As for the depressive episodes, I have rules - one is that I do not allow myself to get depressed about being depressed; another is that I do not engage in philosophical discussions or debates with myself when I'm depressed knowing that most of the questions posed have no answers, and my perspective is going to be biased to the negative due to the nature of depression anyway. Since I cannot take psych meds, I have learned how to play games with and sort of "trick" my mind in order to manage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by paddym22

What I am saying really is that mental health disorders and this disorder dont mix very well. Like you I wont give in, but sometimes that line is very thin and I need a little reminder that life is worth it after all and it generally is. When I meet someone like you I am dwarfed into feeling my complaints are miniscule in comparison. But it is the constant threat and the constant worry of a fever or a cough or a rash that we live under that I think you will understand.

I do understand, paddy - dealing with mental and physical infirmities simultaneously, not to mention the side-effects of the "treatments," makes for precarious footing! Although we are all aware of our mortality, it's a bit more in our faces on a moment-to-moment basis for some of us than others. However, I must admit that this has made me much more aware of just how very precious, fragile, and fleeting life is, and serves to remind me to invest whatever time and energy I have more wisely - life is worth whatever we choose to make it worth. On those occasions when I am tempted to give in and give up, I ask myself, "Have you got some place better to be, or something better to do?" Staying rooted in the here and now can be tough sometimes, but in reality it is all that any of us has. All humans are faced with difficulties in this life - some more, some less; but just because someone might appear to have a greater burden than you, that does not negate the weight of your burden any more than yours negates that of someone with a seemingly lighter burden than you. Besides, human nature being what it is, none of us would develop empathy and compassion without the personal experience of suffering.

Quote:

Originally Posted by paddym22

You take good care and we should check in regularly with each other by PM to see how we are doing, it is sad but good to know if you understand what I mean that someone out there knows.

You do the same, paddy. You're right - although I would never wish on anyone else the circumstances that we share, it does make it a bit easier to know that someone else truly feels your pain. Talk to you again soon. lynn09