My low self-esteem is really screwing up my life AND relationships. I have had depression and anxiety most of my life, and Im 37 now. I am beginning to think that Im actually bipolar, since my moods swing drastically. When I am depressed and anxious I eat; when I am in a "manic" phase I do things impulsively without thinking about consequences- like getting tattoos thinking they were cool, but not thinking that I wouldnt like where they were put later. Now, because of my weight and tattoos, I avoid things I used to love, like swimming and going out dancing. This has caused a big rift between my husband and I. He is an alcoholic and cannot stay out of bars for long. When he gets started, he cannot stop and we end up out all night. I am VERY uncomfortable going out anymore because of how I look, and we have discussed it. Most of the time he is sympathetic, but sometimes he just snaps and has to go out on a bender, dragging me along. I go because I feel I should compromise- he deserves to do things he likes too. But I obsess the entire time about not being thin, and able to wear things that are currently in style because of my weight and tattoos plus, I am constantly on the lookout for potential competition. I have been getting some of the tattoos lasered off, but the process is slow and very expensive. My husband says he loves me the way I am, but constantly gawks at the skinny "Barbies". He also confessed that he wants me to stay this way "because if I get skinny, guys will be all over me and I will leave him for something better just like his other girlfriends did" which is totally untrue! I also have major abandonment/security/trust issues, stemming from childhood, which causes me to be mistrustful, jealous, and negative. I hate being this way. I went back to college two years ago to improve my life and have done great- even getting awards and honors. But I still feel stupid and worthless. I dont know what to do anymore. Any suggestions or advice as to how I can feel better about myself without needing approval from others would be greatly appreciated.

My psychiatrist says he can get me in touch with reality...but he'll have to charge me long distance rates.