Thanks, everyone....

My T is very much against the use of medication because he feels that it numbs us from our emotions. Considering how anxious I was throughout most of the session, I can't imagine having to go through that without the help of the klonopin....I even took TWO of them before the session, and I was a mess.

*sigh*

He asked me if I could hold off on taking the meds to give us a fighting chance in T...I told him I would. But that scares me.

I'm still feeling down about it all. I shared a lot in session about what I'm going through...but we didn't get into the core feelings. T said that he did not use his normal approach, because he knows how unpleasant it is for me and how much I resist it...so he's trying to provide understanding in different ways. He said that only I know how much I can handle, and I'm pretty saturated.

He also asked me if I was getting closer to being ready to let some of the wall down. I told him that no, I was trying to find ways to build that wall - but it seems as though I don't know how anymore.

I am just not good at this therapy thing. I envy those like zoo, tree and Bluemoon who can expose so much more of their core feelings to move them along in therapy....It seems so incredibly hard, and I fight against it. I fight hard, and I know that it defeats the purpose of therapy. I just don't know how to do it any differently. Maybe I just don't trust T enough, or don't feel safe enough, or am just too afraid of letting go. It's like a tornado. There's too much there, and if I open up just a little bit, I'm afraid that it's going to be too much. I told T that...I guess that's progress in itself....but his feedback didn't help me feel as though it was progress.

I feel just so let down by this. I just want it all to go away.