I will be seeing T at noon today. I haven't seen her since the 1st because she's been 'out west'. (trying not to picture horses, saddles, lassoes). On a business and pleasure trip, to attend a conference and visit an old friend.
Are you ever jealous of your T's rich full life?

We talk frequently, a lot, about resistance, holding back. Most of the time I just don't engage much. But in therapy I do, I want to anyway, but so often I begin a thought and shortly after I stop it, sometimes mid-sentence. I don't want to and I don't mean to but it seems out of my control. It evaporates. Poof! Well not totally, but the words do. We talk about it being protective. I tend to lay additional judgement on it. Additional because it is some kind of judgement/fear that causes it to happen. It is just very frustrating. I want to talk and talk and talk. I love talking with her.

So I've been thinking about resistance. How many forms it can take, what it serves, where it begins. So often I feel lazy, although I do not think that I am lazy. It's a judgement I make. Not having friends is lazy. Not persuing my interests is lazy. Negativity is lazy. The 'nothingness' that is my life is lazy....
But if I think of these things as being resistances, then I might see the fears that are there, what I am defending against/protecting from, what it means to let go of these defenses.

After beginning to settle in to therapy the first year, I was repeatedly extremely frustrated with wanting to 'be myself' in there and that not happening in spite of talking about wanting to, phone calls after sessions where I was so frustrated and feeling hopeless. I also don't feel like I am 'myself' outside of therapy and I'm very uncomfortable with myself with others or alone.

So, while I am still resisting, holding back, clamming up--and getting very frustrated in the moment!!--I think it is progress that this is happening in session. I am at least not resisting so much that I can allow myself to work on it. Frustrating as it can be, it is also rewarding and relieving because I am not alone in this anymore.

Anyway, so happy that T returns today.