((((kitten))))!

I was thinking more about this random reward thing...with the longer sessions, hugs, etc.

Sometimes my T will sit with me on the couch if I ask him. Well, he ALWAYS will if I ask. Last summer, I was struggling, we were in rupture after rupture, and I could NOT find the words. It felt awful! I wanted him there but I couldn't ask. I finally left him a message and said "I am working so hard and doing everything I can and why won't you sit with me?!".

When we talked about it in session after that, he said that he NEVER wants sitting with me to be a "reward"....that he cares for me because I am ME, not because of what I do. The whole concept just overwhelmed me, because I have never been cared for in that way...I had the whole completely random reward/punishment thing going on in my childhood too.

We do hug at the end of session. I can't quite remember exactly how it started. But T kind of stands there and I walk into his arms and we hug and I leave. I get to decide. There have been a couple of times after really hard sesions when I have been giving off "don't touch me, I hate you" vibes, and T has said "we usually hug at the end of session....." and sort of left it up to me. I usually hug him. I like being the one in control.

I don't like the fact that you feel like you're being randomly rewarded/punished! I hope T will be open to talking about it.