Hi Mixedupemotions,

When reading your post, a few things struck me as significant.

First, I think that your t being "very much against medication" could be a problem for you and your healing. I understand his concern that he would not want you to be so medicated that your feelings are numb and you can't access them. But that's not the case. You said that it was a hard session and that you had anxiety and shed tears. That sounds to me like you had access to your emotions. The fact that your "gasps for air lessened" means that you still had some gasping for air. Clearly, your medication is not blunting your emotions or keeping you from being in touch with them. So I don't understand at all why your t believes the Klonipin is hindering the therapy work. I agree with the others who have said that medication is sometimes necessary to calm you down enough to be able to tolerate the emotions that come up. It's true in my case. I take 3 psychiatric meds and i still have plenty of emotions to access in my therapy sessions. It sounds like you do also.

The other significant thing from your post is your t's comment that you "fight like heck" against what you're trying to do in therapy. Do you know what he means by this? Do you feel that you "fight like heck" against it? You did say that you have walls, and that rather than bringing them down, you feel the need to build them up. This tells me that your resistance in therapy is probably because you haven't yet developed enough trust and safety in the therapy relationship to open yourself up to the deeper work. This is not, in any way, a failure.

Trust and safety, and the ability to be more and more vulnerable, and engage in deeper therapy work takes time, and everybody is different when it comes to how long it takes for them to feel safe enough to do this. For me, as kind and supportive as my t is, it has taken me several "years" to build up enough trust and safety. It can't be pushed or rushed, and much of the responsibility falls upon the therapist to create (and sustain) the sort of therapy environment and relationship that will allow that trust and safety to grow.

It's good that your t is aware of the resistance and is trying different strategies in therapy in an effort to show more understanding. It sounds like he cares about you. My only concern is his stand on the medication, and I also think he needs to be more patient with you. He needs to realize that -- medication or not -- you're not going to be able to bring the walls down and jump into deep therapy work until you feel safe enough and ready do to so. His job is to help create that sense of safety.