(((((((((((Googley))))))))))))))

It is SUCH a familiar pattern to me to open up with T and then get angry at him. We seem to have FINALLY broken out of it (fingers crossed), but it took, literally, YEARS.

I think for me, every new level of disclosure was a new level of vulnerability for me. And every new level of vulnerability made me want to push T away so he wouldn't hurt me. And then we would work through it and it would be a deeper level of closeness and safety with T as a result. So I would disclose something new and the cycle would start again - disclosure, vulnerability, rupture, repair, intimacy, disclosure, etc. etc. Ack!

The thing is, T DOES say things that I need clarification on (like your T did). He did when we had the ruptures and he still does. I think the difference is that now I don't need to push him away in the same way, so I am able to just ask for the clarification and work through it with him. I may even get angry, but it's not so BIG and rupturing.

For me, it just had to happen that way. T said at one point "it couldn't be any other way". That is just how it worked for me, and we had to do it again and again and again and again and again until ALL of me finally understood that this guy actually is safe.

I'm glad you called T. And if you need to talk to her, call again and ask for a call back. This is part of the process, and it's okay.