Loneliness is a snake biting its own tail... You regularly sit in your room crying because you are 21 and you never had any close friend male or female, you never even went on a date with a girl. So you try to socialize by joining the few people you know (sort of) when they go to the bar or to a party. But then you find yourself sitting in place full of people you don't know with no idea what to do or who to talk to or how to talk to anyone and the music is so loud and bad you can't hear your own voice anyway. You just stand here doing absolutely nothing as you watch many people who seem to have fun. So you get out of there because you don't like it and you would rather be alone and you go back to square one...

Or maybe that's just me.

I don't understand people around me. I don't understand what is the fun in shutting off your brain with alcohol or drugs. It scares me. I don't like the taste of alcohol, I don't like the smell of smoke and the simple thought of "not being myself" scares me.

I thought by studying multimedia and web design, I would meet a lot of nerds like me who enjoy arguing over which Final Fantasy has the gayest character or why Benjamin Sisko is the best Star Trek captain ever. Unfortunately, even the "nerds" here aren't into that kind of stuff. To have fun, they either get drunk or play World of Warcraft a.k.a. the most boring game in the world.

Also, I know should've expected it, but there are barely any girls... Not that I would have been able to ask one out anyway. I seem to be unable to express feelings towards other human beings. I do have feelings like everyone else, I just can't express them. I get stuck every time I try. No matter how much I rehearsed it beforehand, the word just won't come out.



The worst part is that I just realized I don't really like what I am studying. Web design is about half coding and half visual design.

I like coding because it is logical. Logic is easy to understand. Logic is never wrong. Logic is satisfying. Logic makes sense. Logic is like putting together pieces of a machine and seeing it work perfectly.


Visual design on the other hand is not my strong suit to say the least. I just don't understand it. The other day I had to redesign the web page of a fictional town. While my code was functional and spotless, the website looked square and ugly. I spent hours trying to figure out what could visually fit the website and I never came up with anything. I just can't think visually and I can't draw. I simply have no talent in that area.

The thing is, in the web design sector, competition is very high. I am almost one year into my program and I don't know if I can go through with it, and even if I manage to graduate, I don't think I can compete on the market with people who are more visually skilled than I am. I don't know if that kind of job would make me happy anyway.



So there I am, stuck in that phase of life when you don't know who you are or what you want to be anymore. I can't get any work done because in the long run it seems pointless. I feel tired all the time and my week-ends have become sleepathons.


I haven't told anybody about this because again the words refuse to come out when I am in front of a live person, those cowards...

I have to say this situation is quite bothersome...

I don't know what to do.