I am just not good at this therapy thing. I envy those like zoo, tree and Bluemoon who can expose so much more of their core feelings to move them along in therapy....It seems so incredibly hard, and I fight against it. I fight hard, and I know that it defeats the purpose of therapy. I just don't know how to do it any differently. Maybe I just don't trust T enough, or don't feel safe enough, or am just too afraid of letting go. It's like a tornado. There's too much there, and if I open up just a little bit, I'm afraid that it's going to be too much. I told T that...I guess that's progress in itself....but his feedback didn't help me feel as though it was progress.

I feel just so let down by this. I just want it all to go away.

I really do care for my T, and I know he cares about me too. I don't want to give up on what we've built so far - and how much we've accomplished over this last year together. It's true that he does not provide the kind of warmth and physical affection that the other T does so freely. But I don't know that things would be any different as far as letting go of these self-protection mechanisms that have been in place my entire life. I can't seem to "let go" even alone in the comfort of my own bed....

T responded to my e-mail saying:

"I won’t ever give up on you. You have come a long way and your drive to succeed surpasses your fears, but even if it didn’t I would support you indefinitely. Hang in there, what you are experiencing could be an indication you are progressing as strange as it may sound."