I did have a good session. Reconnecting just felt so good. I found myself on the verge of tears, and stopped and said so. I told her again that when she is away, I'm fine. I have small, fleeting worries that she will come back and tell me that she's moving away (to where her grandbaby and family live) but I'm okay because I understand that it's about that awareness of separateness. It's when she comes back that I'm sometimes not okay, but even that is much better. So, today when I was suddenly on the verge of tears it was because I was so loving being there; I push away thoughts of what the therapy relationship feels like and make it something sterile.. something easy to miss. But sitting there today, reconnecting, remembering what it feels like to have her there, listening to and really hearing me, helping me explore things further, chuckling with me, accepting me... the feelings of missing her, missing all that, came flooding back from where I had effectively stuffed them, to get by. Defense against the pain.

Yes we did talk about lazy vs resistance/defense. We began with where the 'lazy' judgement came from. I grew up hearing "Can't died in the poorhouse because she wouldn't try!". I heard a lot of cliche's growing up, without any explanation about their meaning or how it applied to me. No help at all exploring the "can't", finding solutions, alternatives, or even accepting that sometimes there are things that we "can't" do or have.

We talked about the protectivess aspect of defenses, of specific things I call lazy in my judgement and harsh mind. Protection from hurt, shame, judgement (), rejection, anger... And how automatic and quick the internal process is that begins as "I'm going to..." but ends up "I couldn't possibly!..."

Way to much to cover in just one session. But something to remember as being part of the intricate and complex matrix that is me

Reconnecting felt so good that a daydream/fantasy ocurred later that I haven't had in a long time. One where I am a child, standing next to her chair, just looking at her and so happy to be there, basking in the warmth of the safety and acceptance that lets a person just....be.