Hey Googley, yeah, this is something to share with T. Like Sunrise, I wasn't used to speaking up or stating my needs or issues and I had to learn how to do it. I started out not even being aware of what I felt or needed when interacting with others. Then I progressed to being aware but later, after I left the interaction. Finally I progressed to being aware in the moment but then I had to work on speaking up. It is all a learning process, a very valuable one.........

(((((((((((Googley))))))))))))))

It is SUCH a familiar pattern to me to open up with T and then get angry at him. We seem to have FINALLY broken out of it (fingers crossed), but it took, literally, YEARS.

I don't want it to take years. This hurts.

I think for me, every new level of disclosure was a new level of vulnerability for me. And every new level of vulnerability made me want to push T away so he wouldn't hurt me. And then we would work through it and it would be a deeper level of closeness and safety with T as a result. So I would disclose something new and the cycle would start again - disclosure, vulnerability, rupture, repair, intimacy, disclosure, etc. etc. Ack!

Yeah that is what this feels like.

I'm glad you called T. And if you need to talk to her, call again and ask for a call back. This is part of the process, and it's okay.

I called her back and asked for her to call, but she hasn't yet. It was another angry message. UGH. I hate this. We also seem to be trying to figure out how the phone thing works. Too many complications. Maybe she will call tonight sometime. But I don't feel like I deserve having her call after my angry messages. They were really pretty angry. Though I didn't call her names or anything. Just told her I was really angry at her.