I feel like I'm being punished by my T. I guess, in a way, I am. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Ok, so here's what happened. My T is leaving tomorrow for a week in Florida. I had my first session on Monday like usual, and I was supposed to see him for my second session today.
But I didn't go. I did email him twice yesterday to tell him I wasn't coming to therapy because I had become "comfortably detached" and I didn't want to see him because I'd miss him if I saw him again and I really didn't want to feel anything for him while he was away. But then, other parts had additional reasons for not wanting to go, mostly related to feeling powerless over his vacation, so even though I did tell him ahead of time that I wasn't coming to therapy, it was mostly, I think, a test of some sort. And I don't think he expected me to go through with it because I have a history of threatening to not show up but I always show up anyway and he knows that so he generally ignores those threats.
But this time I went through with it. I didn't show up. And he emailed me about 10 minutes after what would have been the beginning of my session. He wrote, "I fail to see how you could think missing today's appointment was in your best interest."
Short and direct. The man gets his point across in email using as few words as possible, but I'm used to that. So I emailed him back, telling him that I didn't have a good answer to that. At that point I expected him to allow me to reschedule for the following week when he returns from Florida.
Except he didn't do that. Instead, he wrote, "I guess you will need to call me when I return to schedule an appointment."
That's when it hit me. He wasn't playing this game by my rules and I didn't like it. So I asked him why he was punishing me by making me wait until he returns before I can schedule another appointment. He replied, " What should be the result of you failing to keep up your side of this therapeutic relationship by not showing up today?"
Ok, I get it. Sort of. But sort of I don't and I'm not sure why I'm writing this except I know I screwed up and now I miss my T and have to wait until he gets back before I can reschedule.