hello it doesn't matter. U matter, & reading your post made me feel hopeful because I to share some of the dark feelings that you have.

you posted to the depression support group, so maybe you have depression, reading your post sounds like some of the symptoms. The next step is reaching out for help... and you are worth it. I have taken antidepressants and it has greatly improved my life, why not give it a try?
You can go herbal or prescription, it can help brighten you spirit!
U R worth it and hang in there!