I joined this forum because I just need to know that there are people out there who can relate to my position, and forgive me for the length of the post. I just want to get it all out.

I'm a college student, and depression has ruined my life. I was diagnosed with depression 8 years ago, and at no point have I felt I have escaped it. When I was younger I cut myself frequently until I had a therapist at age 12 or 13. Through talk therapy and trying two separate medications (Prozac, which gave me suicidal thoughts, and Zoloft, which helped a bit), I was able to stop hurting myself except for rare occasions. As I eased up on the cutting, however, I began making myself throw up. I had poor self image and found a great deal of comfort in food. I gained a bunch of weight, eventually stopped seeing my therapist because I felt I was no longer getting anything out of it.

During all this my sister was a severe alcoholic and drove my mother into a dark depression, and my father to grow distant from our family. Drama abounded, and she attempted suicide on two separate occasions. I remember finding her in her closet, close to death. I came to hate her, and still do. She is an overgrown child who won't admit to her addiction, draining my parents still for all they have.

My depression went through cycles of deep valleys and times where I felt almost normal. When I left for college, it took a deep dive and I felt joyless almost every day. Shortly after being at school, I was raped by an acquaintance and over the next few months developed severe anxiety and dropped 40 pounds because I couldn't make myself eat. Saw an on-campus therapist who truly didn't seem capable of dealing with problems unrelated to academic stress or relationship issues.

Got a boyfriend who is consistently supportive of me and bends over backwards trying to keep me from being consumed by my depression. Without him, I would likely have given up and attempted suicide.

I currently see a psychiatrist who, while qualified, doesn't seem to be helping at all except for adjusting medications. I am currently on the highest dosage of Zoloft and a low dose of Seroquel for the anxiety.

Nothing seems to be helping. I think of suicide every single day. My whole life seems useless, and I have lost all hope in a future free of misery. I am always tired, listless, and unmotivated. My classes are going poorly, and it only makes me feel like more of a failure.

I've tried exercising regularly, eating better, getting more sleep, seeing friends more often, engaging in hobbies (in addition to my medications and talk therapy) and nothing helps. Even the meds don't seem to put a dent in it anymore. I am always always always sad or angry or numb.

Just tell me someone can relate to part of my story and, if possible, let me know if anything helped to improve your situation.