((((Radien))))

Awwww----I am so sorry to hear that. I think you are very right in your feeling of not wanting to talk to your father. Though you love him and he cares for you, somethings are easier to talk about and to open up to someone who is not connected with the situation. I respect how you feel. I think maybe if you sit down and talk to him and explain how you need to process things and then maybe you could bring him to a few sessions as time goes on and you have had some time to work through some of your feelings. Also, if you do not decide that you want him there that is also fine. Therapy is there for you.

I can relate in telling you that when I was in High School I had my dad as my World History Teacher. It was not fun and felt very akward. I felt that I had to be perfect and could not be as one of the other students. I also had to call him by his name. I felt that I could not really be myself and if I did or said something just as a kid, I would get it at home as well as in school. I know this is no where near the same, I was just letting you know I understand not wanting your father as someone over you in therapy. It is hard enough to open up to a stranger, but to open up all those thoughts and feelings that you must be carrying to him when they are about his illness and how you felt and feel would be very difficult. And something I feel you are intitled to feel.

Please know that I totally validate how you are feeling. Loving your dad makes it hard too, because it is too close to home. Being a therapist I would think that he would understand how you are feeling. I agree with what englishteacher said about it being a boundary thing too. You are bound to have a whole host of feeling going on inside and need to talk this out with someone not involved. I hope you will continue to tell him how you are feeling.

I do not know how old you are so I am unsure of how long you have left in school, is there someone at school you could talk with? I talked with our school counselor when I was in school. From there they brought in a social worker twice a week for me to talk to. I know that things are different in schools today and I am not sure whether they still do this or not. When my children were in school, there was a school counselor there that would talk to the kids from time to time. It is something to think about should you need somewhere to turn until you can make this decision on your on.

I hope you will continue to post here and keep us informed on how you are doing. We are listening and we do care. I know it has to be hard on you when you love your parents. Have you talked to your mom about this and see if she understands and then maybe she could talk to your father. Whatever you decide, it is your choice. Having parents who love you is a plus. But having those feelings and respecting those feelings you are having is important not only by your parents but also by you. Knowing that you are not to blame here and that this is not any of your fault.

I hope you are doing okay. Know that what you are feeling is normal. I hope you will keep updating us here on how things are going. If you need to talk to someone, you can always pm me. Sending many gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps