EF,

I mostly lurk on this board and I normally steer clear of 'charged' threads like this one but after several of these kinds of threads I feel a need to say something.

I see you are in a lot of pain and this is a recurring theme - you write very positive threads, then something happens and someone hurts you (either here or in the real world) and you feel like a helpless victim, then you stand up and defend yourself (filing a complaint, speaking with your therapist etc.), then you seem to have some relief/peace, and then the cycle starts up all over again.

This time you feel hurt because your threads were deleted. You assume the status of a victim and have the fantasy that people here want you to 'shut up' etc. The problem is, this is completely untrue. Yes, people were triggered by what was rightly a very triggering post with a disturbing title. People have a right to come to the forums here and not be triggered. That's the whole purpose of the trigger symbol - to make this a safe place for everyone. People have the right to notify the moderator if posts are upsetting them - and without having to feel a guilty conscience.

How do you think people like Tree feel to read these kinds of words from you - don't you think you are making people feel responsible for something that really has little to do with this forum? It seems like you are bringing up hurts from your past and projecting them onto a situation that really shouldn't be so emotionally loaded. I personally find that behaviour quite manipulative - I'd even go as far to say emotionally abusive or emotionally blackmailing to let others feel so responsible for your moods for simply taking actions that were completely within their rights. Don't you see that the message you are sending is: "I can post what I want, and if anyone dares interfere I'll act out - I'll cancel my therapy, I'll leave, I'll wither away." - I'm not saying "don't stand up for yourself" - everyone should feel empowered to protect themselves - but don't load your emotional baggage onto other vulnerable people and let them feel responsible when they don't deserve to.

You see a pattern of people hurting you and of your being the helpless victim. I think you are probably reliving something from your past and projecting it onto current situations and hence mis-reading peoples' intentions and getting very upset and hurt. Yes, there are some horrid, bad people in this world, but there are just as many (well, quite probably a lot more) very kind, loving individuals. If you keep only seeing enemies, your life will be so hard and painful and unnecessarily so. Try to take a deep breath in these situations, stand back, express how you feel in a matter of fact way without immediately accusing or judging. Sit with it and talk to your T about it. If you take these steps, life will feel so much better/safer.

People love you here and want to support you. So does your T, by the sounds of it - don't walk away from your sources of support - why punish yourself like that? If you've canceled your appointments with T next week, there's still time to reschedule. It sounds like you need her support right now. Have you ever considered combining therapy with some DBT grouptherapy? It might help with reality testing and getting direct feedback from others when you feel accused or threatened - its hard when you only have your own immediate defense mechanisms (which I'm sure have been developed to the extent that they are because you've been through a hell of a lot).

I'm writing this because I respect you and think you deserve an honest and frank response. Please don't judge this negatively - my intentions are good. A lot of people battle with these same problems - if you grow up with volatile parents (for example), you're used to being hypervigilent - ready to flee for cover - that's a natural response. Holding onto that defense-mechanism is maladaptive in the big world where most people mean no harm.

Onzi