{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}
Doctors can go screw themselves; there are a great many times when they hurt us emotionally worse than they could "botch" a medical surgery!

After 18 years of no more SI-ing; I broke down and went back at it BIG time, winding up in the ER for sutures & staples twice. The way the treated me that first time re-instilled the self-hate of SI (not the beauty)and the guilt-trips about how my husband must feel walking around with me in public. Shame....

Now that the bandages are off; I look at my scars like a schizophrenic; part is an awe of the beauty of color of scars, longing to see the crimson to spill and splatter like a waterfall again; the other side sees ugliness of the eggplant purple against the smooth white skin & I can "feel those eyes" Standing in line in a grocery store (It's still summer & I will not wear long sleeves) I've seen "those eyes" Those idiot bastards who think they are cleaverly staring at those scars. I register the look instantly. I know that look,,,the disgust, their "personal horrific" look. I saw them for years & years....long time ago.

But someone mentioned before; that arm/wrist/whatever belongs to the heart of my soul mate..........and so now,

Do I feel Loveable?? He says it's o.k. & he's loves me all the more (just quit it! ) I handed over all knifes & he hid his blades (he does leatherwork) But, over the weekend we had to immaculately clean our apartment for yearly inspections...he had turned in, I was cleaning till I dropped..........I found the box w/ all the blades...the really SHARP ones.

What is going through & totally obsessing my mind now 24/7 is nothing but the cascading crimson, sticky, splattering
streams hitting my newly cleaned floor...........but it's HIS arm, too!

Do I feel Loveable? NO!!

He circles his arms around mine & whispers his love for us; and all I can do is stare w/ the schizophrenic's mind at the scars.........

Do I Feel............