When I think of a black box I guess I think of a coffin. And the whole dungeon thing. 'Relate it to stuff in their life'. Maybe its about mortality. For so long I've had (at least one foot) in the grave. Just wanted to be dead, really. Guess it is hard to engage others in living (and living well) when one hasn't really got into the spirit of that oneself.

Medicine... Is partly about saving me. I don't think that I can give up smoking for me. I do think that I can give up smoking for others, though, to be a good role model for them. But only if I do get into medicine. I don't think I would do it otherwise. Guess that is odd. One needs to do that kind of stuff for oneself, really.

My foot is out of the grave more than it ever has been in my life. I'm fairly confident about my ability to keep up the exercise / gym and eating well. I know I can leave or take alcohol depending on the social context. But I think I do have some work to do in properly sorting myself out. I guess some of it will come along the way. But, yeah, I guess I'm going to have to face death directly along the way, too.

Maybe it is about a will to live.

I've had the will to die for as long as I can remember.

Therapy tomorrow... I'll see what he says.