View Single Post
 
Old Mar 13, 2010, 10:27 PM
velcro003's Avatar
velcro003 velcro003 is offline
Elder
 
Member Since: Oct 2008
Posts: 7,383
I have had a tough week. I am just starting to deal with/process changes that are going to be happening in my life in a few months. The past two sessions have been almost solely on this issue, and been very difficult for me. Usually when we get to a topic I don't like to think about, I change the subject. I decided to not do that, and have stuck with it.

Well...sticking with it led to me feeling *Yes, I just said that with disgust*

I have walked around the past few days all teary and over-emotional. I have an uncle with cancer, and I write my aunt an email once a week to see how they are doing. She wrote me friday saying that he is doing ok, but the type of cancer he has is very resistant to chemo. After I read that, I had to try so, so hard to not start crying at work.

I actually left work for awhile, because that led to a downward spiral of feelings, and I called my aunt (a different aunt, same side of family). This was HUGE for me. I don't ever talk about my feelings to anyone (as seen by the disgust above), but I was feeling so fragile and emotional, I needed to talk to someone and I've always felt like we had a special connection.

She talked to me for 45 minutes. She didn't seem fazed that I was crying (though I fought back sobbing the entire time). She said that WE would get through all of this together. That she will call me every week if she has to.

I don't like to show being upset, because I think it led to my mom either not being able to handle my emotions without herself becoming upset, or she just told me that she'd REALLY give me something to cry about.

* I will NEVER use that phrase on my own children*

So when I was upset, my aunt just kept me talking, and giving me advice. Wow.

I managed to make it through work. I came home and was still feeling really emotionally unstable, and decided to write my T an email. I told her how rough my day was, and I just needed to get it out because I felt like I was imploding on myself. She wrote me back saying that if I needed to talk to her this weekend, to let her know and we can arrange a time to talk.

I wrote her back, saying that was very sweet, but I didn't want to impede on her weekend and just knowing she was there was helpful.

I got up this morning (after bawling my eyes out last night) to an email from her saying "I do mean it"

Wow. I have been in therapy for 2+ years, and have had a very difficult time with it. I have never been comfortable with it. I spend every session being anxious, not wanting to talk. We've had difficult conversations like if I even want to be there, if I feel comfortable with her, if I even want to change. Those have all SUCKED. I have continuously and constantly tested her to see if she was finally sick of me.

She continuously and constantly told me that she isn't kicking me out, that she isnt' going anywhere. I never believed it, always waiting for the shoe to drop. You just never know!

For some reason, the past month or so I realized I wasn't so anxious when I went. Still anxious yes, and still not wanting to really delve in...but less.

Then THIS happens this weekend. I can't stop smiling when I think about how she went out of her way to let me know that she IS there for me. And not even on her work days. Wow.

Maybe I don't have to go it alone?

That is frightening and kind of awesome....