I'm so dog tired. I just want to curl up and sleep. I came home MUCH earlier than usual tonight. Usually I'm out till past midnight at my friend's house just enjoying the company and low demand. I was nearly passed out on their couch and decided to come home early so I can get a good night's rest. So now I'm laying here and though my eyes are so heavy and my body is tired, my mind is wide awake. I can "hear" and "see" a commotion inside stirred up still from yesterday's session. I almost wish my T would join PC so he can be here encouraging me telling everyone that they're safe and okay and that Max and whoever else he met yesterday did nothing wrong by sharing with him. I'm glad we found someone that they're comfortable with. I have so many mixed emotions coming from within. Not really "my" emotions, but theirs. I feel so crazy. Someone wants to do harm but they don't want to make me start over. It's kind of weird. He said my tracking my self-harm issues is like what they do in AA and that I should be proud for going 1 year and 3 months of being safe. I just feel like since I rewarded myself and everyone with buying a pocket knife, it might just be too strong of a temptation for everyone. But so far we've carried it everywhere since we got it and have stayed safe. I know they can keep on staying safe and won't harm me. I have a lot of faith in them. I just worry that maybe it's too soon yet.

I also am faced again with this intense feeling that I'm not the original host personality. I sometimes have glimpses of a small girl locked away hidden from the rest of the world and wonder if that's not the original one. The one who enjoys doing girly things and dressing up and being pretty and was safe doing so. But I dunno. Maybe that's just part of having an active imagination.

I wish to know so much but then Max gets really hurt when I try to get answers. I think he and others feel they'll lose their purpose if I find answers. Does this make sense to anyone?