After 2 1/2 years of therapy, it's finally happened. I think my feelings about T are starting to feel like...I don't know, a crush or something (I so hope this doesn't get moved though!) I am miserable. If anyone else came to PC and said they felt like this, I would be nothing but understanding, gentle and accepting. But since it's me, I am upset, disappointed, and stressed. I want NOTHING more than to just numb out. I wrote T an e-mail and I will take it with me to therapy. I'm kind of hoping just bringing the feelings out into the open will make them dissipate. I hope so. Because, UGH!

E-mail I wrote:

I am having a hard time with my big big big big big big feelings for you. Or about you. Or whatever. Today I was drying my hair and wondering what you were doing right then and I realized how much of my thoughts you take up. I can't believe I am saying this, but it feels a little bit like being in love. Its overwhelming. And I don't know what to do. Do I push it away? Or do I embrace it? Do I distract myself with my own life? Or do I talk to you about it and let myself feel it and see where it takes me in the whole healing thing? Is it PART of the healing? Or is it a distraction from the healing? Knowing you will never ever ever ever feel the
same way about me is painful. And what's the point of that pain?

I feel like this is a feeling I've really successfully avoided during all of these hours and hours and hours and months and years of therapy. My love for you is huge, for sure, but it feels parental, or brotherly, or mentor-ish, or like a friend....or like you're my beloved therapist. But this new "in love" feeling is just like....ugh. Am I obsessing about being in love because it distracts me from the hard work we're doing? Or is this PART of the hard work?

I know that in therapy, sometimes "bringing things into the light" does make them smaller and easier to manage. Will this be like that? How can I know?

Ugh, help.