|
Mar 14, 2010, 11:18 AM
|
|
|
|
Member Since: Oct 2008
Location: Orlando
Posts: 172
|
|
- Well, I feel guilty that I haven't been on here in a while. That's what seems to happen with me. I think I'm cured and than I don't stay connected. This time I am staying involved in this community because it is always there for me when I need it. I thank everybody reading this post for listening. So here goes....
- I had my first 'official' BP episode after my first daughter was born. At first they DX me as Postpartum Depression, but I never got better, only worse. After three years of on again, off again meds with my PCP ad not beleiving that I really had BP, I had a terrible episode and went to see a pdoc. That was last year and I have been fairly stable until recently. I was doing so well that my husband and I decided we were ready for baby number two and my pdoc let me start weaning off my meds. Well, I was stupid and decided that i wanted to wean myself a little faster (I'm 35 and the clock is ticking!). So, I was basically not taking any Lamictal (BTW, I am on 2mgXanax XR, 80 mg Geodon, 100 mg Pristiq, and now back up to 300mg Lamictal) and I just fell apart. I went into my pdoc appt last week planning to pretend everything was alright and I completely lost it. So much that my pdoc wanted me to go to the hospital (I refused) and he made me assure him that I wouldn't harm myself because I was having suicidal thoughts. I am so angry at all of this. On top of this, I have been staying up all night. I have been taking extra Geodon at night just to knock me out (I haven't shared this with the pdoc) and it is driving me over the edge. I am a mother and a teacher. I feel like I can't keep it together anymore. I am devestated that I now am back on all my meds and cannot have a baby until I am once again stable. When is that going to happen? No one seems to understand the strong feelings I have about wanting another baby, yet afraid that it is not the right thing. My husband wants a baby so bad and I feel so guilty that I have once again screwed it all up. I hate myself and the truth is that I keep thinking about taking my bottle of Xanax. I know that is crazy and I would hurt my family. I am just so worried that I am going to mess up my daughter, yet I know dying would be wrong. I feel so guilty for all of these feelings. It is consuming me and the thoughts of going to work tomorrow are overwhelming. I am so determined to work and make everything appear good, but I am unraveling. Please help.
|