Quote:
Originally Posted by justfloating
What is normal? How do we know when we're well? I've been unwell for so long that I'm not sure I remember what it means to be healthy. I have no idea whether my emotions are within the spectrum of normalcy, are a result of or are impacted by my illness. I am incapable of feeling any degree of sadness, anger or simple frustration without wondering whether I'm REALLY feeling it, or if it's just my illness dictating my reactions for me. When people ask, I don't know what to tell them. The last couple of people I've had to tell about my depression, I said something along the lines of "It was a serious problem, but I'm doing fine now." I wish I knew if I was telling the truth, or trying to downplay an illness that is entirely capable of wiping me out at any minute. Living in fear of depression's return ... is that normal, or another symptom? Maybe it's like when you get a new car, and suddenly you start seeing that car everywhere. It's not that everybody else has suddenly gone out and bought the same car, you just never noticed them on the road before. Will I ever be able to feel something without wondering whether my depression is involved?  |
That's a really tricky question, and one I've been pondering a bit lately too - I have felt so much better in the last couple of months, and I think things are beginning to shift so that I don't think of depression immediately when I feel anything. It still seems strange not to have depression as a reference point, though - but I reckon if I presented myself now to a doctor with no history I wouldn't be diagnosed as depressed.
When I was in the UK, I think there was a lot of fear connected with getting better - firstly, I couldn't see the possibility of a future that included me in it, so wasn't very well, I guess - but I had some good support and feared that getting better would mean that the support that had helped me get to that point would be withdrawn. So, apart from generally feeling better now, I also feel more in control as I can choose when and if I stop seeing my therapist.
I think it takes time to allow yourself to get used to feeling better, and to see some emotions as in the normal range. I suppose it's a case of building up some positive experiences that you can go to (subconsciously) "I've felt this before and it turned out ok" as opposed to how things were during depression: "I feel sad / depressed / angry, and I deserve to feel like this because I am a bad person, bad things should happen to me".
Don't know if this makes any sense but I am trying to pick my way through this too
