Musik, the hospital is not a terrible place, particularly if you have insurance and can opt for a private one. But state hospitals are very closely scrutinized by, well, the state, and they, therefore, keep units and programs up to snuff very well. You are right about several things: dying would NOT help anything; lack of sleep will drive you over the edge; working, if you can hold it together, is therapeutic. I understand about taking extra meds when you are desperate for sleep, but grizmom makes a good point in saying that it actually just messes everything up. Can you talk to a supervisor about the possibility of hospitalization? I have been hospitalized a few times, and most of them were quite pleasant. Group therapy situations created quickly-formed friendships and support. Until becoming disabled, I worked in a state hospital, and we were quite good at med adjustment and activities. Please feel free to PM me if you have questions about hospitalization. And find a no-med-abuse way to get some sleep, if at all possible. It will help normalize you. I don't see how you could be committed to a hospital for complaining of not sleeping. Now, suicidal thoughts, that's a different story. In Texas, and probably most places, commitment to a hospital requires being "a danger to self or others or at risk for deterioration." But hospitalization is not anything to be afraid of. I realize that it is unpleasant to be around others who may be very psychotic, but that doesn't mean that you are like them, only that you can be grateful that you are not like them! Babies are wonderful, and I can see that you badly desire to have one, but you don't want to do this in the midst of a psychotic or mood episode. It is easy to think that we know more than the docs, since they have [usually] not experienced the conditions they are treating, but there really is a reason for gradual reduction of meds. Take it from one who has "cold-turkeyed" it against medical advice! Please consider me a friend ~ billieJ