Hey Bashful one, I'm sorry that your husband periodically does this and the terrible affect it has on you. I dare say his "hush hush" approach to that terrible episode had a lot to do with his guilt about contributing to the situatin and fear for beig "outed" for such behaviour. One thing though, in my experience with family, friends, employers and others, they don't even have the conscience to be ashamed of that type of treatment and as it relates to someone with life-threatening mental illness as they believe it is open season with someone with mental illness, so strangley, at least he has the conscience to be ashamed.

I have my own issues with the agression of men. My Dad was a violent, aggressive, abusive and neglectful alcoholic. After he drank himself to death, Mum married another alcoholic and it all happened all over again. I have three brothers, all a fair bit older than me and they are all extremely aggressive and sometime passive aggressive (sometimes I prefer the all-out aggression as at least I know excatly where they are coming from, but passive agression is much more slippery and insidious). Two out of three are definitely alcoholics and the third probably will turn out to be over time. They have also had decades of some version of unaddressed mental illness. I had to make a permanent separation from them in December, after years of trying to adjust myself to them and their issues, and I no longer have the will or the energy to keep trying to do that.

I have also invited a lot of male alcoholic/addict aggression into my life myself because of the passage of my alcoholism, which was arressted 11 years ago when I got sober and have stayed sober since in AA. But the degradation, physical and sexual abuse I endured during 18 years of blackout drinking commencing from 14 years of age until 32 years of age whan I got sober has taken me a long time to recover from. I am fortunate because as soon as I got sober I had MUCH better boundaries with men and I haven't kept contributing to my own problems in that part of life.

I am quite an assertive person genuinely, but I still have problems sticking up for myself with male alcoholics at times. There is this one guy at my AA meetings here in town who physically corners me during the break in the middle of the meeting, and at the end of meetings and he lectures me on all sorts of things which are none of his business, including what medication he thinks I should or shouldn't take and the last time was an all time low when he instructed me I should get ECT becuase it helped him. It's Sooooo none of his business and completely against AA philosophy to give advice like this. I told him over and over that that was between me and my psychistrist but it's like I'm not even speaking - he just keeps talking. I know I need to bring it to a head - and be more assertive, but it genuinely is difficult becuase AA is so tiny here in this town and if I speak up to him I have to look directly into his face in the meeting twice a week, every week - there's no diffusing things by going somewhere else for a while.

I'm sorry for rambling, but you touched a spot with me I guess and I know that women with terrible childhood experiences, mental illness and or substance abuse hisrories often have similar experiences.