I've been going through a rough patch lately. I'm feeling better, BUT as I feel better, I start to re-evaluate my life and I don't know what to do. I have trouble making decisions whether I'm really depressed or not. I don't really trust myself, so .... Here are the issues:

1) husband: He drinks daily. He only gets drunk when we go out, but he has to have a beer or two every day. One effect of this is that it costs $3 or more a day, which adds up, although it is cheaper than the $12 a day smoking habit we share. Since I share that more expensive addiction, it's harder to complain about his drinking. We've both tried to quit smoking, but I can't seem to do it and he says he can't quit if I keep smoking. Personally, I think that's a cop-out where he gets to blame me for his choices. We have always been very co-dependent.

2) kids: I realize that it was my choice to have kids, but sometimes I'm just so sick of taking care of them. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. We live far from family, so there are no little breaks when someone else is caring for them. Older sister can babysit for a night out, but I'm talking about a real break - a few days where we can just be ourselves - not mom and dad.

My daughter is turning 18 this month, but she has no plans for the future and doesn't know what she wants to do. She has several opportunites - she could go live with her grandparents and go to a local community college there. They would provide for her a lot better than we can. She also has an aunt and uncle who can and would do the same thing for her in a different part of the state. She's interested in joining the military, but only if she has enough college to go in and become an officer pretty quickly. She can stay with us and go to community college here, but she'll have to work more and go to school more slowly. We just don't have the money to send her to school and she hasn't done the financial aid paperwork to help herself. She's already missed all the scholarship deadlines. It's like she is waiting for us to do it for her. I'm frustrated and irritated with her lack of motivation to take care of herself.

I'm frustrated and irritated by in-laws that have been telling her and us for the last 10 years that her college was covered, but now they aren't so sure what they can afford to do. I can understand that, but it is a part of pattern with them. They offer help, but it's always attached to many strings OR they change their minds at the last minute.

My husband just wants her to get out and start her own life. I'm a little more ambivilant about it. He says that she is/will be soon a legal adult. I say that we haven't actually prepared her to live on her own. She doesn't have a drivers license and the only job she's ever had was with her grandparents. We wanted to protect her and keep her safe. We didn't want her to work as hard as we did in high school, but in hind sight, I wonder if we did her a disservice by overprotecting her. Of course, it's a little late to change that.

My son is a totally different matter - he's 10. He's a sweet, loving, creative, brilliant child. He's also argumentative, selfish (or unaware, I know not which one), and a problem. He gets in trouble at school. He says he doesn't know why. The teacher says it's for talking and not following directions. He's very stubborn. He talks back. He won't let things go. Tell him no and he'll find a million reasons we should change our minds. Telling him that we won't discuss it further just frustrates him. He'll retreat for 5-10 minutes, but he's back quickly and seems to have forgotten that we said no more discussion of this topic. Most of the time, I am frustrated and irritated with him. I'm sure that it's my fault he's this way, but I'm at a loss as to how to fix it.

So, my husband frequently (when things are bad) that I should leave him and the kids and start over. Soooooo tempting. It's not that I don't love them, it's just that I wonder if I can ever really be well with them. Hubby and I feed each other's bad choices and unhealthy behaviors. Plus, what a relief to only have to take care of myself. I wonder how long it would be before I got lonely and scared and either totally isolated myself or ran back home?

Stress for the last few years has often been combatted with a trip to strip clubs - let's just get drunk and wild and forget about life's problems. Until very recently, I was on board with that concept and it seemed to work pretty well. I know - not healthy, but it was working. Now, however, I'm disgusted with that coping mechanism, the drinking and the clubs. I'm jealous of the girls, which I've never been before, but can be explained because he wants to go so badly and I do not. It really just causes more problems because we will go out and blow $200 in a night. Plus, when we are broke, there is no money, so no stress relief.

So, it seems that I am becoming more rational. Still, the problem - do I stay or do I go? I'd feel so guilty if I left my kids, but at the same time, my in-laws would surely step in and bridge the gap that I left behind, at least I think they will. It might actually be better for the kids. With kids, it's always a problem - I have difficulty taking care of myself lately, so I'm surely not doing a very good job taking care of others. If I left though, my income is so low that I would be eligible for the help I need. If I could finally heal myself, maybe I could be a better mother to my kids as well. Wow, it's hard to share that I'm a crappy parent. It makes me feel very ashamed.

So where do I draw the line? When do I say enough? When is it more important for me to be healthy than for me to take care of my responsibilities to my kids and my husband?

Sorry this is so long...there's so much more, but I'd have to write a book.