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phlashback · Mar 15, 2010, 01:08 PM

So it has been a while since I last posted.

As I am sure most of us know, depression can make you feel worthless and as if you are a sub par human. I felt guilty, and unlovable. I never thought that I could be found interesting or attractive.

This self image has long prevented me from pursuing relationships. I would miss the flirtations of women, or discount them completely. I would long to talk to the woman standing on the other side of the room looking in my direction, and shutdown inside. I essentially built a wall around myself. On the rare condition in which I would meet someone, I would convince myself that they were just being nice talking to me.

Last week Monday, I decided that I was not going to worry about a relationship with another, and try to love myself. So there it was, I gave up on women, and struggled with forgiving myself for my mistakes, and accepting who I am. This is far more difficult than it sounds, but it was a step in a direction.

So Friday comes about. I went to get my morning coffee at work as usual, however for some reason I did not bother to walk with someone and ventured on my own. What happened next destroyed some of my more damaging self assumptions. Out of the corner of my eye I notice an attractive woman waving to someone. I look around and realized that she was waving to me.

She did seem familiar, and she thought she knew me from somewhere. What happened next is where the world turned inside out. She asked me when we were going to hang out. I was dumbstruck. She then gave me her number, and gave me a tickle on the side. With that she walked away with a smile.

Not wanting to seem desperate I did not call Friday, and Saturday was being spent with the boys so I did not call then either. Truth be told, I feared that she would not answer the phone, and realize her mistake in approaching me.

My brother convinced me to make the call on Sunday, and I did. I got the voicemail, and my heart sank. I left a message and went on with my day. The moment I began the typical negative self talk, the phone rang.

She asked what I was doing, and when I replied “no plans at the moment”. About one hour later we got together. We talked, and realized we had a lot in common. So now I have a second date for Wednesday.

She is younger than me, about the same difference between my parents. So this is something that I guess does not matter all that much. At this point I am going to take it as it comes, and not allow myself to over think, but rather just live.

I lost, or rather gained two things due to this meeting. One, I realized that I could be attractive to another. Two, good things can happen to me.

I have never felt like this before. I enjoyed the sensation of her touch and tickle, which is specifically intriguing as I have always felt pain when being touched. I feel energized and wanted… without being high on mania.

I wanted to have this as a message of hope to all of the people in the darkness. I truly know what it is, and want you to know that the light does still exist. Things work is strange ways as I have discovered. When you least expect life can change it does. There is happiness and hope. I can even now see the possibilities for a better future.

Hang in there, and learn to accept yourself for who you are. I am still bi-polar and that is ok.